A Letter to My Son by Munierah Ainaa Mukhtar

I would like to dedicate this letter to my future hypothetical child. I know being a youth is difficult. It is a phase full of struggles, feeling of rebellion and anger. And I would like him to know, I get him and I hope these words can at least calm him down and make him think. So here goes.

Dear son,

You are going to be 19 today! Buckle up, son. Life is going to be harder. I know by now, you have already felt pieces of it. I know sometimes you just want to cry, you want to take life away from your own body, you want to throw yourself off the roof, you want to hide under your bed and never come out. I know sometimes you feel depressed, you feel like nobody understands you, you feel like your friends are not listening to you. I understand that sometimes you feel helpless. You are crying for help, banging your head on the wall but nobody seems to care. But dear, know this. Your dad and I will always care about you. Allah cares about you. That is why He is testing you. You are a brave, strong man. I know you are, because you are mine.

I know you are struggling. You are trying to do what is right but the world is against you. It’s like everybody is ganging up on you, pulling you to an alley and trying to beat you to death for standing up for what is right. You are trying to strive for the eternal life but nobody your age seems to get that and that is making you uncomfortable and depressed. Son, I want you to know, I once felt the same way too. And I want you to know, you are not alone. Allah is with you. Your dad and I are with you. If not next to you, we will forever be in your heart for as long as you want us to be there. 

I understand, son. Sometimes, you want to have a little bit of fun. Seeing your friends all have girlfriends and boyfriends next to them, you want that also. You see your friends smoking, part of you wants to try inhale the smoke from the cancer stick as well. Sometimes, you go to shopping mall with your friends and suddenly they are holding hands and hugging their girlfriends without feeling even a slight hint of embarrassment and your curiosity is fighting hard against you. Part of you wants to try lots of things, things that are against what you have been taught and believed that are right. And there are days when your friends tell you it is okay to watch porn on the internet. It is just a one-time thing.

But love, know this: once you sin, you will always feel the “need” to sin again. Sometimes, your “curiosity” needs to be shushed down with recitation of Qurans, zikr and solah. But it’s okay, dear. Allah is Most Forgiving and Most Merciful. If you repent with all your heart, I am sure Allah will forgive you. You are strong, dear. That is why you were born. You are the chosen one among millions in my womb and you are mine. Allah chose you to be His slave and His caliph on this earth. It is stated in Surah Az-Zariyat: 56, “And I have created the Jinn and the men only for this that they may worship Me.” We are not living here for any reason, dear. We have an aim. “And We did not create the heaven and the earth and that between them aimlessly” (As-Sad: 27). 

There is a reason for everything created on this Earth.  I know those roles sound heavy and full of responsibilities. But fear not, love, there will be guidance from Allah, hadiths left by Rasulullah PBUH and his friends, and other muslims and mukmins. You will be okay. It will be a very bumpy road to Jannah, but you will be okay. I am sure of it because Allah will take very good care of you and your pure heart.

Sweetie, everyone wants to enter Jannah. Nobody wants to be thrown into hellfire especially if everybody has seen how it looks like (insert Quran verse here). I have been telling you Allah puts the good people in Jannah and you have to be good in order to be there. Son, you are almost there. Just a bit more, don’t give up now. I know you are tired now, exhausted of everything that you just want to give up. Don’t, dear! Rasulullah PBUH and his friends are waiting for you in Jannah. Fight hard now, son. 

Nobody says it is a pleasant rat race when it comes to entering Jannah. Instead, Allah told us to work together to strive for a place in Jannah. Thus the term “hablu minallah hablu minannas”, dear. It means, “do good to Allah, as well as to humans”. Is that not beautiful? Think again, love. Why would Allah put you in this world and let you roam on His Earth with other humans? To annoy you? To test you? No, dear son. He is giving you a chance to do good to other people. He is giving all of us a chance to “use” these people for our benefits in the Hereafter. I’m sure you know very well the barter system –our good deeds will be redeeming points for us to go to Jannah. 

You help a blind man crossing the road, give food to the homeless, help me in the kitchen –all of this is not going to go to waste. Allah values and appreciates every single good deed and counts every bad deeds of ours be it they are as small as sand on the beach or as huge as Godzilla swatting planes. You know the movie! Your dad and I thought it was funny. Everything counts. Now, what makes you think living is useless? 

Honey, I am not questioning your sanity or your credibility. But you are too young to give up on life. You are a teenager. There are a lot more good things you have not yet discovered. Don’t you think it would be a waste to give up living and end your life right now when you are just blossoming and starting to get the grasp of life? Allah loves you. That is why He puts you through these series of trials. 

You are young, vibrant and full of energy and I love you for that. You want to see the change? Be the change! Remember what you told me about Gandhi? You quoted from a book “Be the change you want to see” and you said Gandhi said that. Now be the change you want to see. Don’t worry, baby. I know the world is a scary place to live in. But I’m here, with your dad to support you and be there when you feel like you have had enough. Allah will always be there with you. Know this, baby, this world is not made to be comfortable and filled with happiness. Allah has made this temporary world to be tough on you so you will work harder to strive for the best that will remain for eternity in Jannah.

No matter how many times I keep telling myself you are still my baby and you are still fragile, and you need me to protect you, I have to face the fact that you are getting older and wiser. You are stronger than I think you are. I think you are going to be fine, facing the days ahead of you as a youth and be the change you want to see. Honey, happy 19^th birthday! We love you.

Love,

Ummi.

P/S I tried sending this for a competition but didn't win but that's okay. 

Nah my explanation

Bismilllahirrahmanirrahim

Dear Allah gives me strength, give me endless patience, give me the courage to keep on going no matter what.

Can I cuss all I want just this one time? And can you not judge me just this one time? After this you can do all you want.

Right now I am in a situation where I am pushed by everyone around me into a hole I am literally suffocating, catching my breath. I am pushed by people. I am provoked. People are testing my limits. Wallahi if this keeps on going, I am going to burst into flames and start flinging poops and bad words at everybody. We don't want that, do we?

This last few months have been.... tough? Yes, tough. Allah has been sending me all these people to test my patience, to test my limit. And I have no idea until when will I be able to put on this brave face (lol brave ke?)

I got rejected last week for the second time by the same guy. Well, it's okay. I'll get over him. No worries with that. I am still okay even though I cried a tear or two. I am still okay even though thinking about it makes me feel nauseous and sick. I am still okay even after I busted my right knuckle real bad. I think I am gonna be okay.

And now this week, urgh, I dunno where to start. I left a group on whatsapp and suddenly everyone started freaking out /insert Joker's meme here/ Okay, know this people. I am really really awkward. I am a recluse. I am really bad at making new friends. And I am bad at telling people what I want. I like being alone. There are days when I feel like not talking to anyone. Can't you respect my space? I don't ask much. Just let me have my space and time without you hoarding and pestering me with questions like "Are you okay?" or "Why did you leave the group?" or other things like whether I am offended by anything or whatever.

"Idk that your big brain could not figure that out. You think you are too good to hang around us. You don't have to think twice to bail out because you have nothing to lose. Because we are not cool enough to tag along with people like you."

What do you do when you got that message on a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning? Go.


Okay, first off mister, we all have the same mass of brain. There's no such thing as big brain. You and I, both of us have the same size of brain.  Second, I have never chosen what kind of people I hang out with. I lepak with everyone. I like being alone, yes. I am bad at making friends, yes. But not up to the point where I choose who I befriend with. Those people in the group, I like them all. The girls, I love them, I adore them. I know them, even though not so well. The boys, even though there are things I dislike about them, that's okay. They have qualities that help me to overlook the bad qualities I dislike in them. I bail out from the Whatsapp group because, as I told you, I don't feel like talking to anyone AT THAT TIME. I have nothing to lose. True. Because I know, in the end, it's gonna be between me and Allah and that is it. But that does not mean I don't cherish our friendship. That does not mean I want to chuck whatever we have into the bin. I don't choose friends. But somehow, some of those whom I have met, it is so easy for me to click with them. Because we share same stories, we can relate to each other, we can empathize, we help each other a lot. How would you expect me to do the same for you when we only know each other for a while? And fourth, if you think you are not cool enough, then that is your problem. How is that my problem? I don't ask you to tag along? What friend ask their friends to follow them? I want you not to tag along, but walk with me, walk by my side.

And I would like to repeat my last message to you again:

"Did it not ever occur to you that sometimes when people are being provoked continuously, they will reach a point where they are too tired to explain about anything?"

 I am tired. I am tired of making people understand my situation. I am tired of making people see my point. I don't feel like explaining to you because in the end, you are going to judge me. In the end you are going to twist everything I say. I am gonna save myself from being hurt. I open up to you and you judge me. What other option do I have, really? Tell me. I don't want to explain to you because I know I will end up cussing. Well, who wants that? Nobody. I don't want to add another pile of sins to my already infinity numbers of sins. 

I have no idea if this explains everything. But... hmm, tak kisahlah. I am done explaining.

May Allah bless.

P/S for once, I just wanna befriend people for the sake of it instead of keep on pursuing for rewards from Allah. Why can't you get it?

#np Love Like This

Love is when your mom asks you whether you have eaten even though you are literally separated by Laut China Selatan.

Love is when you dad asks you whether you have enough money to go on for the rest of the semester.

Love is when your mom tells you things are going to be okay even though at the moment, nothing is okay.

Love is when you dad tells you to tell him if you like someone so he can give few words to him.

Love is when your mom sends you tonnes of food every time she visits you.

Love is when your mom and dad are willing to bring food from Sarawak to you, staying in Kuala Lumpur.

Love is when your mom and dad buy you books because they know you like reading.

Love is when your mom and dad tell you to take care of yourself and your heart.

Love is when your mom and dad tell you to never skip prayers and always read Quran.

Love is when Allah gives you these two awesome people in your life to make it less painful and more bearable.

Love is when your siblings make fun of you for not liking some things. Like the colour pink.

Love is when your siblings are willing to spend their book voucher for you because they know you love reading.

Love is when you have a hankering for something and your siblings are willing to attend to it.

Love is when your friends call you straight back when they hear something's off with your voice.

Love is when your friends ask you every day whether you are okay or not.

Love is when your friends tell you things are going to be okay. Shit happens, but it's gonna be okay.

Love is when your friends are willing to do things they don't like just because you like them and wanna do those things with them.

Love is when you are willing to accept rejection(s) from a person whom you thought is your "the one" like an adult and not thinking of breaking his jaw with your bare hands.

Love is sacrifice.
Love is family.
Love is friend.

And the greatest of all kinds of love would be love towards Allah the Almighty.
In the name of Allah the Most Merciful and Most Gracious.