The sad truth

Bismillah.

I know I chose to be alone. But sometimes, it's kind of heartbreaking, and sad, watching others hanging out with their friends, able to snicker at each others' jokes, able to read each other's minds. Or when you have that moment of loneliness striking you outta nowhere and you know who to turn to beside God and parents and siblings. I was watching and observing my classmates earlier and I dunno why, but right now, I just wanna run away from UM and never come back. Seeing them have cliques which they belong to, that just breaks my heart. I want to belong to a group. I want all those mushy things about i-will-be-there-for-you or i-will-be-your-crying-shoulder.

But I am too afraid to open up. Every time they give an example about sinful things (some of them), in my heart, I am like, oh I used to do these things and if I tell them, they will be judging me and I will never have friends. I am too afraid of what people think of me and that is what drives me away from people. Can somebody just be my best friend without me telling them about my darkest sides?

You always have that moment when you though, oh my best friend during my school years will always be my best friend. Those are bullshit. Don't fall for that. I don't care if any of you guys read this, but I don't have any best friend when I was in school. Nobody stood up for me when there were people bullying and mocking me. Instead, they went outside of the class, laughing at me, and proudly told me after that. But I tried to be a good best friend, protecting others, fighting for them, but ended up alone.

I just wanna sit in a corner in the shower and think. I just wanna run away. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. I want friends that will send videos to me or at least remember my birthday and do the worst prank but apologise later on. I just want to people to miss me when I'm gone, cry when I am dead, be there when I need to buried or read quran for me on my deathbed.

Book Review: Anthem by Hlovate

In the name of Allah, the Most Compassionate and Most Merciful.

I have just finished reading Anthem, by Hlovate. And my back hurts like hell right now. I've been sitting on this chair for more than 8 hours I think. Okay, enough talk.

To those who aren't familiar with Hlovate, he/she is this anonymous writer who hides behind the name of Hlovate, a combination of "Hate" and "Love", applying oxymoron. Basically, all his/her novels circle around how the protagonists struggle to find the meaning of life and have gone through hell and survived. Anthem, I should say has some differences compared to his/her other novels.

Basically Anthem is about a girl named Nur Dania Dashrin, a third-culture kid who has moved in and out of continents and countries and is sent to Malaysia by her parents so that she can learn something about her culture and her roots. It was hell for her at first. All the things she fancies (music, basketball etc) seem to be going against her. She is a Malay, a Muslim Malay but she never practice the religion nor the culture. When she starts her IB programme, she seems to be on the right track of looking for the right path of life: the road to fear God. She has met few people that help her to be better, and even her brother, Haikal, decides to change for good after seeing her.

The different thing about Anthem is that the protagonist, Nur Dania Dashrin, or famously known as Dash is that she actually has no idea about Islam. Her parents do not practice anything except for celebrating Eid. And there's a slight twist where Dash struggles with her love life, unlike Trisy in Rooftop Rant or Jo in 5 Tahun 5 Bulan. I like the part where Anthem is written as a continuum for Rooftop Rant. Trisy is actually the one who helped Dash at Aberdeen and Jade helped Lee. Oh, and you will discover who is Lee as you read the novel. I am so not gonna be a partypooper, spilling everything here.

Overall, I think the book is different. But a good different. I expected the heroine would go through some struggles, met the hero, they be good together, get married and continue the D&T (dakwah & tarbiyah) thingy. But Anthem is different. And I still dig the part where Hlovate writes stuff that is not just a mere fluff. He/she actually helps readers to further indulge themselves in the beauty of the religion with his/her satirical tone. Everything mentioned in the novel is a slap-in-the-face, wake-up call for me, and insyaallah for us all readers. 

Hope you guys have a good time reading Anthem and may you learn something from the plot. Hey, Allah sees efforts, not the outcomes. May Allah bless!