Thursday, 16 May 2013

The sad truth


I know I chose to be alone. But sometimes, it's kind of heartbreaking, and sad, watching others hanging out with their friends, able to snicker at each others' jokes, able to read each other's minds. Or when you have that moment of loneliness striking you outta nowhere and you know who to turn to beside God and parents and siblings. I was watching and observing my classmates earlier and I dunno why, but right now, I just wanna run away from UM and never come back. Seeing them have cliques which they belong to, that just breaks my heart. I want to belong to a group. I want all those mushy things about i-will-be-there-for-you or i-will-be-your-crying-shoulder.

But I am too afraid to open up. Every time they give an example about sinful things (some of them), in my heart, I am like, oh I used to do these things and if I tell them, they will be judging me and I will never have friends. I am too afraid of what people think of me and that is what drives me away from people. Can somebody just be my best friend without me telling them about my darkest sides?

You always have that moment when you though, oh my best friend during my school years will always be my best friend. Those are bullshit. Don't fall for that. I don't care if any of you guys read this, but I don't have any best friend when I was in school. Nobody stood up for me when there were people bullying and mocking me. Instead, they went outside of the class, laughing at me, and proudly told me after that. But I tried to be a good best friend, protecting others, fighting for them, but ended up alone.

I just wanna sit in a corner in the shower and think. I just wanna run away. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. I want friends that will send videos to me or at least remember my birthday and do the worst prank but apologise later on. I just want to people to miss me when I'm gone, cry when I am dead, be there when I need to buried or read quran for me on my deathbed.

No comments: