Saturday, 29 March 2014

In loving memories

In the name of Allah, Most Merciful and Compassionate.

I lost my Tok exactly 8 months and 7 days ago. She died 8 days after my 20th birthday. I didn't tell lots of my friends about my loss. Some knew about it. They tried to make me feel better. But honestly, I didn't feel anything during that time. I felt normal. I felt like nothing changed. I know she is dead, but that didn't change anything.

I wasn't numb. I was in denial. And that period of denial lasted for 8 months and 7 days. I cried this afternoon. Actually, I was sobbing.

I was reading Looking for Alaska by John Green. Honestly I had been looking for reasons to cry over the death of Tok. But I couldn't find any. And that book was a trigger. I sobbed after the part where Alaska died. At least Miles got the chance to say he loves her. But I didn't. I never really said it out loud.

Tok took care of me for a very long time. She cried when she saw Mak hitting me. She slept with me and told me stories when she came to our house. Honestly, I looked forward to her coming to our house. I love her, but I never said it out loud.

I love it when everyone says she loved me the most. I love it when she kept on rubbing my back before I went to sleep. I love it when she said "Alhamdulillah" when I told her about my mediocre academic performance. To her, everything I did was awesome.

But as she got older, she slowly lost herself. Dementia slowly ate her brains out. I love her but there were days when I felt like I couldn't stand a sight of her. My sister and I, we took care of her for several weeks. But, that was it. There were no follow-ups or anything. 6 months after that, she died in hospital and I didn't get the chance to say goodbye or I love you.

In loving memories of Hjh Saodah Hj Senapi
I love you, Tok.
Strong woman, strict mother, loving grandmother.
I hope you are happy there in Jannah.