Saturday, 29 March 2014

In loving memories

In the name of Allah, Most Merciful and Compassionate.

I lost my Tok exactly 8 months and 7 days ago. She died 8 days after my 20th birthday. I didn't tell lots of my friends about my loss. Some knew about it. They tried to make me feel better. But honestly, I didn't feel anything during that time. I felt normal. I felt like nothing changed. I know she is dead, but that didn't change anything.

I wasn't numb. I was in denial. And that period of denial lasted for 8 months and 7 days. I cried this afternoon. Actually, I was sobbing.

I was reading Looking for Alaska by John Green. Honestly I had been looking for reasons to cry over the death of Tok. But I couldn't find any. And that book was a trigger. I sobbed after the part where Alaska died. At least Miles got the chance to say he loves her. But I didn't. I never really said it out loud.

Tok took care of me for a very long time. She cried when she saw Mak hitting me. She slept with me and told me stories when she came to our house. Honestly, I looked forward to her coming to our house. I love her, but I never said it out loud.

I love it when everyone says she loved me the most. I love it when she kept on rubbing my back before I went to sleep. I love it when she said "Alhamdulillah" when I told her about my mediocre academic performance. To her, everything I did was awesome.

But as she got older, she slowly lost herself. Dementia slowly ate her brains out. I love her but there were days when I felt like I couldn't stand a sight of her. My sister and I, we took care of her for several weeks. But, that was it. There were no follow-ups or anything. 6 months after that, she died in hospital and I didn't get the chance to say goodbye or I love you.

In loving memories of Hjh Saodah Hj Senapi
I love you, Tok.
Strong woman, strict mother, loving grandmother.
I hope you are happy there in Jannah.


CDN said...

Have you ever read Charming and Strange by Stephanie Kuehn?
Give it a try, worth reading.

And takziah for your late Tok.
I'm sure, she'll be placed among the good people up there.

M's said...

Nope haven't tried reading that one yet. Thanks! I'm sure she is insyaallah. She's a good person.