In the name of Allah the Most Merciful, Most Gracious.

"Perempuan ni lemah lembut, sopan santun, pemalu...."

Allahu, tahu tak betapa sentapnya rasa masa dengar seorang akhi cakap macam ni.


Dear Lord, I have flaws, here and there. I am acting like a guy, I know. I make sure people see me or hear me as if I am a half dude. That's just because of one thing and nobody knows why I do so. No, I am not trying to protect my reputation. You know, at some point, you just have to act tough to make sure people around you take you seriously and stop making fun and making fun of you. That's what I am doing.

Who cares if I am not girlish enough? I still pray, I still do things that are compulsary to be done. I don't drink. I don't go clubbing. Yes, I commit lotsa sins. But I don't go around hugging my boyfriend. Heck I don't even have a boyfriend. I don't go around people, smoking, boasting about I can smoke rings come outta my nose or mouth. Dude, no.

The crime I commit is I am too boyish for a girl. I skate. I don't talk softly like I am supposed to. Heck, I am not even a decent girl. Well, guess what, you said I am not pemalu enough? At least I don't go hitchiking on some random guy's motorbike. I still have my dignity with me.

So stop judging. You have no idea. So shut up already.

You know what I missed the most right now?

I miss the feeling of having to tell what I really wanna tell, having the freedom to wear what I like instead of what I want people to like, having the freedom to act however I prefer. In short, I miss the feeling of being an ignorant child. I miss the moment where people would say, "Oh, she's still young. It is okay. She will learn from her mistakes." I miss that moment when I can sleep and take a nap without feeling guilty for not sitting near to my laptop and pretend to study.

Gosh, I miss every single thing in the past. What is wrong with me? I read somewhere that the happiest person on earth will never ever look in their past. Well, guess that summed things up. I am never fully happy. Even if I did, I actually faked it.