Sunday, 11 May 2014

Nah my explanation


Dear Allah gives me strength, give me endless patience, give me the courage to keep on going no matter what.

Can I cuss all I want just this one time? And can you not judge me just this one time? After this you can do all you want.

Right now I am in a situation where I am pushed by everyone around me into a hole I am literally suffocating, catching my breath. I am pushed by people. I am provoked. People are testing my limits. Wallahi if this keeps on going, I am going to burst into flames and start flinging poops and bad words at everybody. We don't want that, do we?

This last few months have been.... tough? Yes, tough. Allah has been sending me all these people to test my patience, to test my limit. And I have no idea until when will I be able to put on this brave face (lol brave ke?)

I got rejected last week for the second time by the same guy. Well, it's okay. I'll get over him. No worries with that. I am still okay even though I cried a tear or two. I am still okay even though thinking about it makes me feel nauseous and sick. I am still okay even after I busted my right knuckle real bad. I think I am gonna be okay.

And now this week, urgh, I dunno where to start. I left a group on whatsapp and suddenly everyone started freaking out /insert Joker's meme here/ Okay, know this people. I am really really awkward. I am a recluse. I am really bad at making new friends. And I am bad at telling people what I want. I like being alone. There are days when I feel like not talking to anyone. Can't you respect my space? I don't ask much. Just let me have my space and time without you hoarding and pestering me with questions like "Are you okay?" or "Why did you leave the group?" or other things like whether I am offended by anything or whatever.

"Idk that your big brain could not figure that out. You think you are too good to hang around us. You don't have to think twice to bail out because you have nothing to lose. Because we are not cool enough to tag along with people like you."
What do you do when you got that message on a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning? Go.

Okay, first off mister, we all have the same mass of brain. There's no such thing as big brain. You and I, both of us have the same size of brain.  Second, I have never chosen what kind of people I hang out with. I lepak with everyone. I like being alone, yes. I am bad at making friends, yes. But not up to the point where I choose who I befriend with. Those people in the group, I like them all. The girls, I love them, I adore them. I know them, even though not so well. The boys, even though there are things I dislike about them, that's okay. They have qualities that help me to overlook the bad qualities I dislike in them. I bail out from the Whatsapp group because, as I told you, I don't feel like talking to anyone AT THAT TIME. I have nothing to lose. True. Because I know, in the end, it's gonna be between me and Allah and that is it. But that does not mean I don't cherish our friendship. That does not mean I want to chuck whatever we have into the bin. I don't choose friends. But somehow, some of those whom I have met, it is so easy for me to click with them. Because we share same stories, we can relate to each other, we can empathize, we help each other a lot. How would you expect me to do the same for you when we only know each other for a while? And fourth, if you think you are not cool enough, then that is your problem. How is that my problem? I don't ask you to tag along? What friend ask their friends to follow them? I want you not to tag along, but walk with me, walk by my side.

And I would like to repeat my last message to you again:
"Did it not ever occur to you that sometimes when people are being provoked continuously, they will reach a point where they are too tired to explain about anything?"
 I am tired. I am tired of making people understand my situation. I am tired of making people see my point. I don't feel like explaining to you because in the end, you are going to judge me. In the end you are going to twist everything I say. I am gonna save myself from being hurt. I open up to you and you judge me. What other option do I have, really? Tell me. I don't want to explain to you because I know I will end up cussing. Well, who wants that? Nobody. I don't want to add another pile of sins to my already infinity numbers of sins. 

I have no idea if this explains everything. But... hmm, tak kisahlah. I am done explaining.

May Allah bless.

P/S for once, I just wanna befriend people for the sake of it instead of keep on pursuing for rewards from Allah. Why can't you get it?

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