Tuesday, 10 March 2015

Fitting in


Remember those years in high school when you feel the need and urge to change yourself just to fit in with anyone who's willing to be your friend? Sadly, this fitting in business did not strike me when I was in school. I was always so sure of myself. I didn't depend so much on people's definition of what I do or what I wear. Sure, there were days in which I wanted to dress up and look pretty but those moments were really infrequent I could hardly recall them. I was really independent back in those 5 years of high school. I didn't mind doing things on my own. I didn't mind being left alone to attend to my business. I didn't mind not going to the cinema to catch the latest movies with my friends or my classmates. I didn't care about having boys chasing me. I didn't care about how boys saw me as one of them, as one of their bros rather than as a girl. I was carefree. And I was happy. I was content even though to others, this very definition of living is mundane, boring, not worth living whatever.

Why was it so easy back then?

It's so difficult to be in my own skin now. I got criticized for everything I do, everything I wear. They aren't all exactly verbal and to my face. I can see the look in people's eyes when I wear my baju kurung with a pair of sneakers and my messenger bag. I can see how people judge me upon seeing me wearing a set of attires that aren't colour-coordinated.

And there is nothing wrong with me not knowing what is concealer and how to use eyeliner, or randomly talking to a street painter, or finding a bench while you have the time of your life shopping with your best buds. I was miserable the whole time. I wish I could tell you this. But oh well, I am a wimp. You'll know we're not close and I don't really like you if I don't open up to you on how I feel about things.

I don't want to fit in. I want to be able to be myself. If I don't open up, if I change my attire, if I have second thoughts on what to do or how to act -you know I don't fit in there, with you and your cliques.

No comments: