These weird few days......

Bismillah

Tonight is just one of those nights when my brain is being bombarded with a lot of things at once. And here are the list of things. You ready? Yes, I am talking to nonexistent readers. Yes I am that lame. No I won't be sharing this with anyone. Oh maybe with him. Hah! Emme you noob.

1.  I miss home. No wait, I miss my parents mostly. And I miss having all my siblings around. And these few days have been super duper emotional. I am an emotional wreck. I explode at even the littlest thing. By explode I mean cry myself to 3-hour nap. And even video clips and movies managed to make me cry a river these few days. I just cried over Bindi crying over her dad's loss for god sake. I don't even know her up close and personal. I just cried over a movie yesterday which I can't remember what. Oh it was Tomorrowland. I was laughing and crying all the same time. The lines were funny but the character was dying. So the scene was both funny and heartbreaking. Idk and these few days, it's like people know I'm about to reach that time of the month or something. They just keep on retweeting and sharing videos about fatherly love and all. And this is one of those rare moments in which I miss ayah a lot more than mak. Usually it's mak more than ayah. Or I miss both. This time I miss both but I am slightly more inclined to missing ayah. Weird pms thing I guess.
   
2. I hate fights and confrontations. Especially when there is no physical fist fights involved. Especially if the fight is mostly verbal, where we need to talk a lot to make sense of things. I hate the latter kind of fight. It's draining and exhausting. I feel the need to sleep in a very long and unnatural duration of time to regain energy after the fight. And I hate it. I usually avoid them. 16-year-old me would just come up to me right now and just punch me in the face for being so weak, for being so easily affected by mere words I swear to god. I like how I handled things back then better. The moment people pissed me off, I would just sock em in the mouth, in the guts, or in the groin, go back and sleep, and all is well.
   
3. Being adult sucks. And being ladylike sucks even more. You know what's really not fun about being an adult? You get affected by things that don't even matter to you when you were 8. 8 year-old me wouldn't have cared if a girl came up to me and say I'm ugly. I'd be brushing that comment of like a boss. But now....ugh I get so easily affected and I become so emotionally. Even I am annoyed with myself. And I'm not being insecure because I am comparing myself to others. But the insecurity surfaces because some human decides to point out hey you should change this, you should change that, you're better this way, you're better that way WHY IN THE WORLD ARE YOU ASKING ME WHY AM I BEING INSECURE when you're the one bringing me deep down that hellhole? I love you but you gotta lemme be myself. If I can accept you being you, why can't you accept me being me? Let me grow at my own pace. And I'll let you take your time too. Flowers die when you pressure them to grow. Flowers die when you put too much water. Flowers die when you put too much fertilizers. Just lemme grow at my own pace, at my own time.
   
4. I think I have reached a point in which I do things to make a person happy because I think that would make me happy. Idk if I am really being me or I am faking it all the way. And I am not sure if the person likes the real me, or the revamped version of me who does things to make the said person happy. I thought things are supposed to be effortless when you are with the right person? Why is it so complicated for me? You know what? Maybe it's too early to tell. And instead of thinking about the said person way too much, I should have thought about what would happen if I were to die tomorrow? Would I be happy with what I have done so far? Do I sin way too much? Have I done enough good? Have I touched many hearts? Is God pleased with me?

I told you I am thinking way too many things at one time these few days ugh brain stahp