Sunday, 7 October 2012

"No matter how many times I try to calm my heart, the pain just never leaves me."


Have you ever had the feelings where you are very very sad about something but you have no one to turn to? Even if there are, the advises they gave just don't help you at all. You don't feel at ease, but you feel even more depressed because it seems like you can't find the solution and running away from the problems won't help at all.

I have lots of people I can turn to, but it seems like, nobody cares to listen and nobody even care to ask in the first place. How is it fair when I ask people for help and they don't help me and when they ask for my help, I try my best to help them? Where is the justice?

And this is the part where I start to have the deep-thinking moment where I think back why is that people's advises never help me. Oh, yes, I am all too closed-up. I never tell people the real thing. I never tell my friends about everything. I never tell my parents exactly what happen because I don't want them to freak out.

So, it all comes back to me. I am the problem here. I don't talk much about my personal thing, my personal feelings, what I think about this, what I think about that, what is my darkest of darkest secret. I just don't tell. There's no such thing as kiss and tell in my life.

I know the feelings when I bottled up lots of things in a very long time and I just want to explode and shout to everyone but in the end I just go to sleep or cry in the shower. I never tell exactly how I feel. And it's a no wonder I am unpredictable and mysterious as what people around me told me so.

But, when people around me don't understand me because I am too quiet about everything about myself, I have the faith that Allah listens to every cry in my heart, every sadness I feel, every tears that don't goes out from my eyes. I know He listens. And I know deep down Allah is testing me to see whether or not I am strong enough, to see whether or not I am someone who will turn to Him or otherwise.

Be strong, Munierah Ainaa Mukhtar because verily, behind every pain there is something to be gained. Insyaallah.

May Allah bless. 

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